When we perceive the end in the beginning, we move faster than time. Illumination, that lightning disappointment, affords a certitude which transforms disillusion into deliverance.
— E. M. Cioran, The Trouble With Being Born
When we perceive the end in the beginning, we move faster than time. Illumination, that lightning disappointment, affords a certitude which transforms disillusion into deliverance.
— E. M. Cioran, The Trouble With Being Born
I don’t know how many souls I have.
I’ve changed at every moment.
I always feel like a stranger.
I’ve never seen or found myself.
From being so much, I have only soul.
A man who has soul has no calm.
A man who sees is just what he sees.
A man who feels is not who he is.
Attentive to what I am and see,
I become them and stop being I.
Each of my dreams and each desire
Belongs to whoever had it, not me.
I am my own landscape,
I watch myself journey –
Various, mobile, and alone.
Here where I am I can’t feel myself.
That’s why I read, as a stranger,
My being as if it were pages.
Not knowing what will come
And forgetting what has passed,
I note in the margin of my reading
What I thought I felt.
Rereading, I wonder: “Was that me?”
God knows, because he wrote it.
Countless lives inhabit us.
I don’t know, when I think or feel,
Who it is that thinks or feels.
I am merely the place
Where things are thought or felt.
I have more than just one soul.
There are more I’s than I myself.
I exist, nevertheless,
Indifferent to them all.
I silence them: I speak.
The crossing urges of what
I feel or do not feel
Struggle in who I am, but I
Ignore them. They dictate nothing
To the I I know: I write.
We sat together at one summer’s end,
That beautiful mild woman, your close friend,
And you and I, and talked of poetry.
I said, ‘A line will take us hours maybe;
Yet if it does not seem a moment’s thought,
Our stitching and unstitching has been naught.
Better go down upon your marrow-bones
And scrub a kitchen pavement, or break stones
Like an old pauper, in all kinds of weather;
For to articulate sweet sounds together
Is to work harder than all these, and yet
Be thought an idler by the noisy set
Of bankers, schoolmasters, and clergymen
The martyrs call the world.’
And thereupon
That beautiful mild woman for whose sake
There’s many a one shall find out all heartache
On finding that her voice is sweet and low
Replied, ‘To be born woman is to know —
Although they do not talk of it at school —
That we must labour to be beautiful.’
I said, ‘It’s certain there is no fine thing
Since Adam’s fall but needs much labouring.
There have been lovers who thought love should be
So much compounded of high courtesy
That they would sigh and quote with learned looks
precedents out of beautiful old books;
Yet now it seems an idle trade enough.’
We sat grown quiet at the name of love;
We saw the last embers of daylight die,
And in the trembling blue-green of the sky
A moon, worn as if it had been a shell
Washed by time’s waters as they rose and fell
About the stars and broke in days and years.
I had a thought for no one’s but your ears:
That you were beautiful, and that I strove
To love you in the old high way of love;
That it had all seemed happy, and yet we’d grown
As weary-hearted as that hollow moon.
Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world’s great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.
I am haunted by waters.
— Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It
I fellowed sleep who kissed me in the brain,
Let fall the tear of time; the sleeper’s eye,
Shifting to light, turned on me like a moon.
So, planning-heeled, I flew along my man
And dropped on dreaming and the upward sky.
I fled the earth and, naked, climbed the weather,
Reaching a second ground far from the stars;
And there we wept I and a ghostly other,
My mothers-eyed, upon the tops of trees;
I fled that ground as lightly as a feather.
‘My fathers’ globe knocks on its nave and sings.’
‘This that we tread was, too, your father’s land.’
‘But this we tread bears the angelic gangs
Sweet are their fathered faces in their wings.’
‘These are but dreaming men. Breathe, and they fade.’
Faded my elbow ghost, the mothers-eyed,
As, blowing on the angels, I was lost
On that cloud coast to each grave-grabbing shade;
I blew the dreaming fellows to their bed
Where still they sleep unknowing of their ghost.
Then all the matter of the living air
Raised up a voice, and, climbing on the words,
I spelt my vision with a hand and hair,
How light the sleeping on this soily star,
How deep the waking in the worlded clouds.
There grows the hours’ ladder to the sun,
Each rung a love or losing to the last,
The inches monkeyed by the blood of man.
And old, mad man still climbing in his ghost,
My fathers’ ghost is climbing in the rain.
Sickness brought me this
Thought, in that scale of his:
Why should I be dismayed
Though flame had burned the whole
World, as it were a coal,
Now I have seen it weighed
Against a soul?
I would that we were, my beloved, white birds on the foam of the sea!
We tire of the flame of the meteor, before it can fade and flee;
And the flame of the blue star of twilight, hung low on the rim of the sky,
Has awaked in our hearts, my beloved, a sadness that may not die.
A weariness comes from those dreamers, dew-dabbled, the lily and the rose;
Ah, dream not of them, my beloved, the flame of the meteor that goes,
Or the flame of the blue star that lingers hung low in the fall of the dew:
For I would were changed to white birds on the wandering foam: I and you!
I am haunted by numberless islands, and many a Danaan shore,
Where Time would surely forget us, and Sorrow come near us no more;
Soon far from the rose and the lily and fret of the flames would we be,
Were we only white birds, my beloved, buoyed out on the foam of the sea!
If I were tickled by the rub of love,
A rooking girl who stole me for her side,
Broke through her straws, breaking my bandaged string,
If the red tickle as the cattle calve
Still set to scratch a laughter from my lung,
I would not fear the apple nor the flood
Nor the bad blood of spring.
Shall it be male or female? say the cells,
And drop the plum like fire from the flesh.
If I were tickled by the hatching hair,
The winging bone that sprouted in the heels,
The itch of man upon the baby’s thigh,
I would not fear the gallows nor the axe
Nor the crossed sticks of war.
Shall it be male or female? say the fingers
That chalk the walls with greet girls and their men.
I would not fear the muscling-in of love
If I were tickled by the urchin hungers
Rehearsing heat upon a raw-edged nerve.
I would not fear the devil in the loin
Nor the outspoken grave.
If I were tickled by the lovers’ rub
That wipes away not crow’s-foot nor the lock
Of sick old manhood on the fallen jaws,
Time and the crabs and the sweethearting crib
Would leave me cold as butter for the flies
The sea of scums could drown me as it broke
Dead on the sweethearts’ toes.
This world is half the devil’s and my own,
Daft with the drug that’s smoking in a girl
And curling round the bud that forks her eye.
An old man’s shank one-marrowed with my bone,
And all the herrings smelling in the sea,
I sit and watch the worm beneath my nail
Wearing the quick away.
And that’s the rub, the only rub that tickles.
The knobbly ape that swings along his sex
From damp love-darkness and the nurse’s twist
Can never raise the midnight of a chuckle,
Nor when he finds a beauty in the breast
Of lover, mother, lovers, or his six
Feet in the rubbing dust.
And what’s the rub? Death’s feather on the nerve?
Your mouth, my love, the thistle in the kiss?
My Jack of Christ born thorny on the tree?
The words of death are dryer than his stiff,
My wordy wounds are printed with your hair.
I would be tickled by the rub that is:
Man be my metaphor.
“[Writing is] observing, telling stories, performing this magic trick of being the conduit for experiences for other people.” — Susan Orlean
“Yes, I love arranging the words and having them fall on the ear the right way and you know you’re not quite there and you’re redoing it and redoing it and there’s a wonderful thrill to it. But it is hard. It’s a job of tremendous anxiety for me.” — Elizabeth Strout
“For me the idea of writing not for publication is a little like drinking alone. To me, drinking is sort of a social experience. [Writing] is like coming home from a great trip and sitting around a dinner table and saying, I’ve got to tell you about this.”– Susan Orlean
“I think of it very much as a relationship. It has different stages when I’m first putting it down, but it’s a relationship, and it’s a very intimate relationship, which is what’s sort of mysterious and wonderful about it. It’s solitary—obviously we all know that we work alone—and yet there’s this voice. You’re trying to reach another person with this voice.” — Elizabeth Strout
“It’s a constant juggling of how can I tell something that I feel so intensely but that can be received with, not joy every minute or anything like that, but in a way that’s truthful to you.” — Elizabeth Strout
“I will leave pages around the apartment to come upon by surprise. Like, what does this look like if I’m putting my earrings in and it’s on the bureau and I have to turn. What does it look like if I come upon it? I’ve done that for years.” — Elizabeth Strout
“I don’t understand the great fear of e-readers. Maybe I’m missing something, but I think you can look at iPods and music and, you know, it was a shift to a different form that I actually think encourages people buying more music, because you don’t have to build yet another shelf in your house to have those CDs.” — Susan Orlean
“Also [e-reading] will no longer enable people to have books on their shelves as signifiers of how smart they are. There’s no reason to download a book unless you intend to read it. There’s no need to show off.” — Kurt Anderson
“I don’t think anybody really expects e-books to supplant printed books, because I don’t think that they’re ever going to be that much more enjoyable a way to read a book. It was different with downloads and iPods; that’s a better way to hear music than a CD is. I think that what e-books will do is enable people to carry a few hundred books with them on a trip rather than struggling with a suitcase to take five along. But I don’t think it will be the same transformative thing that audible downloads have been.” — Lawrence Block
“I’m much more willing to buy a novel electronically by someone I don’t know. Because if halfway through I think, I don’t really like this, I can just stop. I can’t throw books out, even if I think they’re crummy. I feel like I’ve got to give it to the library, I’ve got to loan it to somebody, or I keep it on my shelf. It’s like a plant.” — Susan Orlean
“Just so I know that I’ve said it, I want to say here that I think, no matter what form books take, I think the basic purpose of writing, serious writing, the kind of writing we all do, is going to be the same: to examine the great questions. I don’t think that’s going to change at all.” — Robert A. Caro
[Excerpts from a Newsweek interview (“The Write Stuff,” by Jon Meacham) published on June 27, 2009]
Published Jun 27, 2009 From the magazine issue dated Jul 13, 2009
Above the table on which I’m now writing hangs an old framed print showing Mr. Pickwick’s street-smart servant, Sam Weller, prophetically pointing out to his chubby little master—in tights, gaiters, and spectacles—a vast, teeming mob of tiny figures: the characters Charles Dickens was to create in the novels to come after The Pickwick Papers. I still haven’t identified all of them, but I see Fagin and the Artful Dodger from Oliver Twist, Little Nell and her grandfather from The Old Curiosity Shop, the sanctimonious Mr. Pecksniff from Martin Chuzzlewit, the choleric Major Bagstock from Dombey and Son, and Bob Cratchit from A Christmas Carol carrying Tiny Tim. Ah, and that must be the mad old dealer in secondhand clothes from DavidCopperfield. His name, in what appears to be an odd self-tribute, is Charley—Dickens names another madman in that same novel Mr. Dick—but I remember him best, as you will if you’ve read the book, for his greeting to young David: “Oh, my eyes and limbs, what do you want? Oh, my lungs and liver, what do you want? Oh, goroo, goroo!” It’s because I can’t get enough of characters like these that half my Dickens paperbacks now have their covers held on with duct tape.
The other day I went to the bookstore and laid in a couple of newly published volumes I’ve been eager to read—Samuel Beckett’s letters and Blake Bailey’s biography of John Cheever—but I’ll be spending most of this summer revisiting all of Dickens yet again. (So far I’ve gone through Chuzzlewit, Bleak House, A Tale of Two Cities, and Little Dorrit; next up, Oliver Twist.) This time I’ve got an excuse—I’m teaching a Dickens course in the fall—but I’ve never considered that I needed one. Most of the “joys of rereading” pieces you come across tuck in an obligatory apology for indulging in the “childish” pleasure—this is a bad thing?—of “obsessive” repetition. You often hear a distinction made between strictly literary rereading, the kind of close study scholars and writers undertake, and the “comfort” reading relegated to the beach, the bathroom, and the bedroom. But is there really such a sharp line between the respectably energizing and the shamefully narcotizing? I’d never put Dracula on a syllabus, or read myself to sleep with Samuel Beckett’s The Unnamable. (Though some people might find it a sovereign cure for insomnia.) Still, I suspect that the most widely reread writers in English have been Dickens, Shakespeare, and Jane Austen—hardly a month goes by without my revisiting one of them—who combine the sleepy-time comforts of story and character with all the challenge and complexity, the inexhaustible newness, that anyone could ask for. I’ve taught them all in the classroom, while in the bedroom their books have slipped from my hands as their stories shaded into my dreams.
In a recent New York Times op-ed in defense of rereading, Verlyn Klinkenborg lists some of his old favorites—he turns out to be a Dickens hound too—and concludes: “This is not a canon. This is a refuge.” And in an even more recent New Yorker piece, Roger Angell refers to “a sweet dab of guilt attached to rereading. We really should be into something new, for we need to know all about credit-default swaps and Darwin and steroids and the rest, but not just now, please.” Most of us, though, have our own musical canon—or why do they sell so many iPods?—and no one feels guilty about listening to, say, Talking Heads’ “Once in a Lifetime” just once in a lifetime. My own list of perennial rereads ranges from Jim Bouton’s Ball Four and Galen Rowell’s In the Throne Room of the Mountain Gods—about a K2 expedition that entertainingly falls apart over the climbing team’s acrimonies—to John Dean’s Watergate memoir Blind Ambition and Brendan Gill’s magazine memoir Here at the New Yorker, to Humphrey House’s biography of Ezra Pound, A Serious Character, and Boswell’s Life of Samuel Johnson. This is beyond a refuge. It’s a world, with continent after continent, each as densely populated with heroes, villains, and oddballs as that Dickens print on my wall. They give me a circle of friends and acquaintances far wider, and in some cases far deeper, than I—or anyone—could have in what we’re pleased to call the real world.
In W. H. Auden’s essay “The Guilty Vicarage”—collected in The Dyer’s Hand, which I’ve kept on my night table for years—he analyzes his self-confessed “addiction” to whodunits: “I suspect that the typical reader of detective stories is, like myself, a person who suffers from a sense of sin.” I share Auden’s fondness for Sherlock Holmes and G. K. Chesterton’s Father Brown, but his reading habits could hardly be more different from mine. “I forget the story as soon as I have finished it, and have no wish to read it again. If, as sometimes happens, I start reading one and find after a few pages that I have read it before, I cannot go on.” I’ve reread all the Sherlock Holmes stories, and many of the Father Browns, more times than I could count, and I seldom have fewer than a half dozen of Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe mysteries there on the night table next to The Dyer’s Hand. In fact, I never travel overnight without one or two in my bag. And, as far as I can tell, without a sense of sin.
Lovers of these stories—can we not call them addicts?—often note that part of their appeal lies in their comfortingly familiar atmospheres: Holmes and Watson’s rooms on Baker Street, with the “gasogene” (whatever that is) and the Persian slipper filled with pipe tobacco, or Wolfe’s townhouse on West 35th, with its kitchen on the first floor and its plant rooms on the roof. But the real draw is the people: the arrogantly rational Holmes (whose impenetrable reserve compensates for God knows what); the stolid yet insecure Watson; the petulant, sedentary, impossibly erudite Wolfe—a fellow rereader, whose office is lined with favorite books—and his Watson, the hyperkinetic, never-insecure Archie Goodwin, wielder of one of the most engaging first-person narrative voices in all of fiction. And don’t forget the villains. Not just the recurring archenemies—Dr. Moriarty and Arnold Zeck (Wolfe’s Moriarty)—but such wonderfully nasty specimens as the fraudulent “solar priest” exposed by Father Brown in The Eye of Apollo, or the drab middle-aged lady in Stout’s A Right to Die who turns out to be a murderous racist. I’ve just spoiled two endings, by the way, but they were spoiled for me years ago without diminishing my pleasure a bit.
In the books I reread over and over, I always come back for the people, and often simply for their voices. I return to Ball Four just to hear Joe Schultz, manager of the hapless Seattle Pilots, tell his players to “pound that ol’ Budweiser.” Or to Peter Golenbock’s Dynasty: The New York Yankees, 1949–1964, to hear the team’s former third baseman Clete Boyer lamenting his eroded skills. “And it’s a shame,” he tells Golenbock. “Like old ballplayers—like myself. I should quit now. But s–t, I have to go back to Japan for the money. I hate to be embarrassed like that, to just hang on, hang on for the money.” Or to Donald Honig’s Baseball When the Grass Was Real, to hear the long-retired pitcher Wes Ferrell reminisce: “But I’ve still got those memories. I played against a lot of great stars. You name ’em. Ruth, Gehrig, Greenberg, Simmons, Foxx, Grove, DiMaggio, Cochrane, Feller. I saw them all. And they saw me. You bet they did.” Honig’s book also has a brilliantly told Ernest Hemingway anecdote, from Brooklyn Dodgers Hall of Famer Billy Herman. When the team was training in Havana in the 1940s, Hemingway, who “took a lot of pride in all this manly stuff,” invited some players to his house. Late in the evening he cajoled pitcher Hugh Casey into a “friendly” boxing match, sucker-punched him, kicked him “in the balls,” then challenged him to a duel: ” ‘We’ll use swords, pistols, whatever you want. You pick it.’ And he’s dead serious about it …c The next day Hemingway’s wife brought him down to the ball park. You never saw a man so embarrassed, so ashamed. He apologized to everybody. ‘Don’t know what got into me,’ he said. Well, I can tell you what got into him. About a quart.”
I also reread Hemingway’s own stories, to hear his characters’ voices again—he’s got an even better ear than Billy Herman. There’s the narrator of “After the Storm,” who’s the first to come upon a sunken ocean liner, but can’t get down there to loot it. “Well, the Greeks got it all. They must have come fast all right. They picked her clean. First there was the birds, then me, then the Greeks, and even the birds got more out of her than I did.” And “the girl” in “Hills Like White Elephants,” whose lover is pestering her to get an abortion. “Would you please please please please please please please stop talking?” (That’s seven “please”s. Who says less is more?) But my favorite is the lumber-town prostitute in “The Light of the World,” with her addled aria about a once famous prizefighter. “Did I know him? Did I know him? Did I love him? You ask me that? I knew him like you know nobody in the world and I loved him like you love God. He was the greatest, finest, whitest, most beautiful man that ever lived, Steve Ketchel, and his own father shot him down like a dog.” In all of short fiction, she has only one serious rival for my affections: the spinster postmistress in Eudora Welty’s “Why I Live at the P.O.” “Papa-Daddy woke up with this horrible yell and right there without moving an inch he tried to turn Uncle Rondo against me …c All the time he was just lying there swinging as pretty as you please and looping out his beard, and poor Uncle Rondo was pleading with him to slow down the hammock, it was making him as dizzy as a witch to watch it. But that’s what Papa-Daddy likes about a hammock. So Uncle Rondo was too busy to get turned against me for the time being. He’s mama’s only brother and is a good case of a one-track mind. Ask anybody. A certified pharmacist.” If you’ve got Talking Heads on your iPod, why would you want to hear this loony music only once in your life?
And it’s not just the characters who’ve become my companions—it’s also the writers themselves. Some of them, I feel, I would never have wanted to deal with in person, but on the page, they’re some of my favorite people to hang out with. In Strong Opinions, a collection of interviews and letters to editors, the arch-mandarin Vladimir Nabokov sets me straight again and again about Conrad (“I cannot abide [his] souvenir-shop style, bottled ships and shell necklaces of romanticist clichés”), Freud (“Let the credulous and the vulgar continue to believe that all mental woes can be cured by a daily application of old Greek myths to their private parts”), and “the corny Philistine fad of flaunting four-letter words.” I never weary of his reply when asked about his “position in the world of letters”: “Jolly good view from up here.” And in The Sixties, the last of the posthumously published journals by Nabokov’s friend (and sometime enemy) Edmund Wilson, I get to keep company with the august curmudgeon when he goes to see Yellow Submarine—”Amusing but almost two hours of animated cartoon is perhaps a little too much”—and a performance at a Paris music hall. “I… sat through the first act of a show that … consisted of American-type entertainment of the coarsest and most raucous kind: a jazz orchestra; everybody doing the twist; women torch singers, tremendously applauded, who … would sing with the microphone in the right hand, like a piece of garden hose.” Still, huff as he did, even in his last years Wilson was always game to check out something new. Not—ahem—like some of us.
It might be that the shame attached to rereading has less to do with all the new books you feel you ought to be encountering than with what your choice of old books reveals. In my case, I can see a strong tendency toward nostalgia (for the New York Yankees of my childhood; for the sum-mer of 1973, when I watched the Watergate hearings on television) and toward Anglophilia—which appears to be my favored form of multiculturalism. I can’t help but notice the glaring whiteness of all my most-reread authors; it might be righteous to pretend otherwise, but it is what it is: as John-son said, “No man is a hypocrite in his pleasures.” And for a heterosexual, I seem to have quite a taste for all-male subcultures (baseball, mountaineering), mostly male adventures (The Lord of the Rings, Moby-Dick, the Watergate saga), male solitaries (John-son, Philip Larkin, Father Brown), and male couples (Holmes and Watson, Jeeves and Bertie, Nero Wolfe and Archie Goodwin, Mr. Pickwick and Sam, Frodo and his Sam). Then again, maybe having a taste for Hemingway says it all. I suppose I could go on to look at why I’m always rereading Tom Wolfe’s The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby, or Tom Piazza’s True Adventures With the King of Bluegrass, or Paul Fussell’s Thank God for the Atom Bomb and Other Essays, or certain stories by Cheever, Bruce Jay Friedman, Flannery O’Connor, James Thurber, and Ring Lardner. Not to mention Harold Bloom’s The Western Canon, his eminently rereadable rereading of some of the all-time great rereads. The simple answer is that they give me joy. They fill me with the voices of people I know, thousands of them—many times the number in that old Dickens print—the real and the imagined, the living and the dead. Heaven may be like this eventually, but why wait around when it’s right here, right now?
The pear was as hard as stone. She looked down at the cracked flags beneath which the roots spread. “That was the burden,” she mused, “laid on me in the cradle; murmured by waves; breathed by restless elm trees; crooned by singing women; what we must remember: what we would forget.”
She looked up. The gilt hands of the stable clock pointed inflexibly at two minutes to the hour. The clock was about to strike.
“Now comes the lightning,” she muttered, “from the stone blue sky. The thongs are burst that the dead tied. Loosed are our possessions.”
Voices interrupted. People passed the stable yard, talking.
“It’s a good day, some say, the day we are stripped naked. Others, it’s the end of the day. They see the Inn and the Inn’s keeper. But none speaks with a single voice. None with a voice free from the old vibrations. Always I hear corrupt murmurs; the chink of gold and metal. Mad music. . . .”
— Virginia Woolf, Between the Acts
As the light grows, we see ourselves to be worse than we thought. We are amazed at our former blindness as we see issuing from our heart a whole swarm of shameful feelings, like filthy reptiles crawling from a hidden cave. But we must be neither amazed nor disturbed. We are no worse than we were; on the contrary, we are better. But while our faults diminish, the light we see them by waxes brighter, and we are filled with horror. So long as there is no sign of cure, we are unaware of the depth of our disease; we are in a state of blind presumption and hardness, the prey of self-delusion. While we go with the stream, we are unconscious of its rapid course; but when we begin to stem it ever so little, it makes itself felt.
— Fénelon
(Quote from Aldous Huxley’s The Perennial Philosophy)
A pity beyond all telling
Is hid in the heart of love:
The folk who are buying and selling,
The clouds on their journey above,
The cold wet winds ever blowing,
And the shadowy hazel grove
Where mouse-grey waters are flowing,
Threaten the head that I love.
How tempting, how very tempting, to let the view triumph; to reflect its ripple; to let their own minds ripple; to let outlines elongate and pitch over — so — with a sudden jerk.
— Virginia Woolf, Between the Acts